Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Well it is December 22nd and I'm not quite ready for Christmas, but I'm hoping I can finish everything up by tomorrow afternoon. I was doing okay or at least I thought I was until I realized that I had been in bed for 3 straight days. This happens every Holiday. I'm pissed at myself for not catching this. I have so much to be grateful for and yet I'm feeling sorry for myself. Sometimes I really hate this disease. Yesterday was my Mother's birthday, and I couldn't get over my pain long enough to call and wish her a Happy Birthday. I sent her a text. I honestly thought that was good enough. Well it wasn't. I know I really hurt her feelings, and that's the last thing I wanted to do. I have just been so agitated lately. I feel like I could just punch a big old whole in the wall at any given moment. I wish I could figure out why I feel this way every year. I mean is it mostly chemical or is it something I could figure out how to overcome. I don't want to be awful to the ones I love the most. Why should they have to deal with this every year? They should be able to enjoy their Holidays regardless of how I'm feeling. I think that's why I try to stay away,but they don't get that. So I end up making it worse for everybody. What should I do? There has to be some way to make all this easier on them. I have know clue what it is though. I'm going to try my best to "feel good" for the rest of the Holidays. (even if I have to fake it) I guess I could try to meditate every morning and see if it helps with my state of mind. It sure couldn't hurt. I need to remind myself the Peace my Kabbalah practice brings me. I know I haven't spent enough time on it lately. Hell I haven't spent really any time on it lately. So I guess today I will pick a 72 NAME of GOD to meditate on and I will give it the time it deserves. Maybe just maybe this will be the help I need to make it through the Holidays. (and all the days!) Life is so much easier when I feel more centered. Okay so maybe that's my lesson for the day - recognize there is a problem and one way to help with this is to stay calm and get centered. Please let me get out of my own way and let the LIGHT shine in!! Remember this!